A “fatherless son” and a son without a father, all in one lifetime. It is kind of strange that I have been without a father for so long and this year and I mean just this year he come back into my life. He has always stood in the shadows of my life. I have to admit he did come to some events: A little league football practice, eighth grade graduation, twelve grade graduation, embalming school graduation and that is about where it stopped until I was married in 1998. In ten years I have seen him for a total of 10 hours and no I am not blessed to at least have a father. I mean I am, but wow. Currently he is having a difficult time with his health and in rehab for it. So he is a fragile, older man. I don't think he has the energy to resist being a father any longer.
He is one of the nicest people you would ever want to meet, so I ask the question why wasn’t he nice to me?
I know a lot of people and they are very nice to me. I have men who have stepped in all my life and carried on the role of father the best they could. They have taken me to games and events and let me share with their families as if I was a son. The only thing wrong with this scenario is that you are not a son, and my own hang-ups kept me from feeling worthy. That is a good way to describe it, I have never felt worthy of having a father other than my own.
My father, he was nice to everyone; all my friends regard him as a cool dude. Cousin Chucky would always say “your dad is a cool dude.” Well, I did not want a cool dude I wanted and needed a dad.
This year I am letting him connect with me and next week I will spend time with him, maybe not a lot but it will be quality time. I have to remember he is my father and due respect. I won’t be disrespectful I believe I will be cautious. I am used to guarding my heart.
So on this Father’s Day I remember my son who I miss dearly. It is not that my other children are not vitally important. I have three daughters and two sons and my sons have dads. But the son who was killed was my first child and he made me a father. My son Torrie always had Elijah his grandfather who I know he feels like was his dad. He had Phil his biological father and as he grew into a man really began to connect with Phil and then Phil all of a sudden died. He died a young man. Mike has his dad Mike. I have many other little fellows I regard as sons.
My son Courtney allowed me to take long walks in a stroller, spend long hours at the park and be a father to him. I remember the day he was born, I spent hours looking at him and it was as if we were talking from day one. He was a talker and if he didn’t have something to talk about, he would make up something. He had a vivid imagination. He could entertain you with his questions and more so with his answers. We had dogs’ together, fish together and his favorite, ice cream together. He was always asking you did you “re-nemamba” something as if he was older. I remember Courtney with the greatest joy. Albert Raboteau expresses it as a Sorrowful Joy. I am so sorry he is gone but he brought such great joy to my life. I am going to conclude with this; my daughter and I are going to see India Arie this evening and one of my favorite songs she sings is Good Morning. “Listen” to the words or read them.
Good Morning - India.Arie
Good morning silence
Good morning to myself
Good morning to the pain in the center of my chest
It's crazy how much I miss a simple good morning kiss
Good morning independence or is it loneliness?
I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets
I pray for God's will to be done
The very next day you were gone
Good morning to the harsh realities of life
We made a promise to stay
But destiny got in the way
Good morning acceptance
Good morning inner strength
I'm loving every moment even the strain
It's crazy how much I miss
a simple good morning kiss
It's crazy how much I've missed
Now it's time for me to live
Good morning optimism
Good morning to my faith
Good morning to the beginning of a brand new day
I know that God's will be done
So I lay down my pain and
I'm moving on
I know that God's will be done.
So it's a good morning after all