My Father and My Son

1935-2013

Richard D. Meadows, Sr.  The last words spoken by my dad were a question.  He asked me "Are you my father?" Strangely I slowly answered, "Yes, I am."  For over fifty years my father has been my friend, He tried to be a father on several occasions, sure the graduations, the first wedding, a couple other times that were disastrous but he tried without much success, but he was a good friend. This past seven months he came to live with me, he was at the VA nursing center but still it was with me.  I saw him several times per week and we chatted about this and that, and on only one occasion did we dig into the deeper meanings of life.  I knew where he stood on most things in life except on me.  However we did part ways in most visits with the words I love you. The hours in the last months made the past 50 years stranger.  Did I really know him like sons know fathers? Were the last few months intentionally orchestrated by our Father? Whatever the case maybe I am just grateful that the last few months happened.  It enabled me to reconcile some thoughts and hash out some ideas of what our lives together have been about.  He died on February 19th, around 4:15 pm.  I saw him breathe his last breath, I felt the room go quiet from the silencing of the machines. The quiet and stillness reminded me of the silence of peace moving into chaos, when hope is lost, and the final outcome is only death of this physical body.  It reminds me that although life is over, it continues, it reminds me that I am a son who misses his father and I am a father who misses his son. I have a grandson who I love and he loves me, we talk and laugh and cry together, the strange part is he is only seven. His dad was my friend but I also made sure I was his father.

Are you my father?  My dad asks me. I am his father, I am his son, I am his friend. I dreamed last night about Donald Winnicott and the Transitional Object, it has to do with his Object Relations Theory.  I felt like I did become his father to help him transition from this life to the next. I was able to help him navigate the bitter pains of death.

On two occasions I have not been able to "rescue" my sons.  BUT! My hope and trust, and the joy I find is far beyond these years.  There is so much hope within me that and it stretches into eternity,  I will find peace, I will find love, I will find my father and I will find my sons.

Thank you Father.